Use Your Intuition
I walked down the isle headed towards my first husband. There was a screeching voice inside my head that said "Don't do it". Did I listen? No. I just kept walking and smiling. I noticed the melody of the harp and the calming violin, the beautiful flowers my step-mother picked out ever so carefully, the perfectly placed chirping birds that my dad claimed he hired, for just the right touch. I noticed all the familiar, smiling faces, some genuinely happy, others with looks of curiosity and concern. I walked right up to the groom, and the Rabbi, just the way it had been rehearsed, going through the awkward motions. I was pronounced doomed.
Eight years later I realized that I had conformed to societies failure rules. In my head a voice was saying all the wrong things. The head voice said “Stay married or you will be a failure, keep trying, through death until you depart, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it". I stayed in an unhappy marriage with a partner that did not meet my criteria. I also knew that I did not listen to my inner voice, my intuition, my heart voice.
I was able to finally divorce, after so much suffering and some great therapy. My heart voice became a great friend, and I stayed single for 8 years in-between my first and second marriage. Why did I take my time? I took my time to find a partner who resonated with me, someone my inner voice liked.
Using my intuition led me to make better choices with boyfriends, friends, jobs, places to live, and how I would live my life. Listening to my inner voice has increased my self respect, and I became a more authentic me.
I knew to choose a husband again that I wanted to have a criterion. I decided to write 30 things I wanted in an ideal partner. I took great care to think about everything I really wanted in a mate. I went big and put everything on the list in the positive. For instance instead of writing "no jerks", I wrote "compassionate".
After looking at my masterful list I realized I wasn't half the things on the list that I wanted. So...I had a lot of work to do. I circled the things on my list that I wanted to improve and then made those my personal goals. It took a couple of years to actually become the things I wanted in a partner. It was worth the effort and time to make a list! I am happily married now for the past 20 years. What a difference it makes when you use your intuition and listen to your heart, and to digest what you want in life.
Marla Stone is a former social worker and psychotherapist who specialized in treating Camp Pendleton Military Personnel and their families, couples and individuals with trauma and heartache. Marla is currently a life coach, professional organizer and decor and feng shui specialist.
The secret to a wonderful relationship is R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
When there is RESPECT and a mutual admiration going between couples it just makes sense to be with each other. Once respect is gone so is the love of being together. Respect means respect. You don't cross your partner's boundaries. Being bossy, controlling and a know-it-all is the best way to dampen the love. Yelling and screaming and being testy will lessen the partnerships harmony. The best way to know what respect means is to look it up and read about the meaning of the word. Also knowing the antonyms of the word respect is really very helpful.
The next thing is EXCITEMENT. There is nothing worse than having "coupled" syndrome, meaning a dull and dumb meaningless life has set in to destroy the sparks and energy that keep the fire of love burning, the torch high and moving fast. Watching tv night after night, going to the same restaurant time after time, ordering the same menu item, getting into a groove, thinking your are groovy, having the same reminiscent conversations over and over, having sex in the same position
week after week, never adding new activities into your schedule gets OLD. Being spontaneous, thinking of ways to surprise your partner, in a good way, livening things up with new activities and stories about your life, your thoughts, going on vacation to far out places together, and having something interesting to talk about make for a better, more eventful relationship. We've all seen the couples sitting in restaurants eating their food, with blank stares and absolutely not a word between them. Yikes, don't go there. Keep motivated to think of new ideas for engaging with your partner in fun and exciting ways.
Next for a relationship to have the ultimate in intimacy is obviously SEX. A sexless relationship is one without passion, pleasure and could lead not only to mental and medical health challenges, but emotional and mental torture. Sex also can be many different things besides intercourse. Sex could be sensual touching, masturbation, petting etc.... It's not all about a wild pony ride, but the aspect of physical intimacy is as important to a relationship as water to a plant. Anyone who says they can live without sex is lying. We are sexual beings and even babies masturbate.Get over your barriers and frigidity and start enjoying the free pleasures of sex together. Check out the couple who, after a sexless marriage had sex 365 days in a row at http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/365-nights-of-sex-can-it-strengthen-a-marriage. My mom always had a funny saying about staying sexually fit..."If you don't use it you lose it".
The next step to having a great relationship is PATIENCE. When
Chaucer wrote in Canterbury Tales 1386, "patience is a virtue" he knew what he was talking about. Look, a relationship is a bit like a roller coaster, since humans have what are called, moods. Think of moods like you would think of the weather. Sometimes we are sunny and sometimes we are soggy. I have a friend when asked "how are you?", answers "fair to partly cloudy". Being upset with your partner, thinking you will call it quits, and wanting to run away as far as possible does creep into every individual's mind at times. Knowing that people fluctuate with their
emotions and thoughts and giving your partner a break, taking a deep breath and seeing how the next day or week pans out, usually will rectify and reunite you in a new fashion. Being patient enough to see how a relationship grows, sprouts and blooms is all part of the relationship. Having the insight to know change is
scary but a great path to take while having the calm and fortitude to face it makes for a relationship with insight and vision.
EDUCATION in life and love is important. Being emotionally intelligent and well read on the subject of love, relationships, self improvement and staying abreast of the newest ideas on those subjects is just smart. You may think you know how relationships work, but usually you are behaving as a carbon copy of your parents. Learning new communication skills, love-making techniques, and understanding that you don't know everything leads to a much happier you. Only happy people will make others happy. Stretching yourself to new areas of thinking and being open minded and mindful of the nuances of the relationship keep it fresh.
COMMUNICATION is the key to success for any long lasting relationship. Communicate, communicate, communicate and you will actually know what is going on between you and your partner. Otherwise your relationship may be based on false pretenses, magical thinking (grandiose thoughts that are purely fantasy, not reality) and loneliness. I have met individuals, when I did couple's counseling, that actually didn't even know their partner's birthday, spontaneously, where they were born or what their partner’s childhood was like, and these are people that were married a very long time. It was sad sitting with two uncomfortable strangers. They had never taken the time to
actually have deep and fulfilling conversations. Usually that occurs with people that have deep intimacy challenges and perhaps suffer from intense introversion. There is nothing worse than having a relationship between two deeply anxious introverts, unless it is two deeply disturbed narcissistic extroverts. Communication always starts with sharing feelings such as hurt, unloved, irritated, uncomfortable, sad, mad, glad, misunderstood etc..... and then you want to validate your partner. See my article on keeping clutter free to learn more about communicating with your
partner at http://www.i-deal-lifestyle.com/1/post/2012/07/is-someones-clutter-getting-in-between-you-and-your-world-marla-stone.html
Finally last but not least is TRUST in you, your partner and the
relationship itself to have the ultimate in partnerships. I would say the most valuable thing in a relationship is having a trusting relationship with yourself. If you are not following your own truth, your ideal path, living your ideal lifestyle, adhering to your own values, but rather lying to yourself, being unclear about who you are, what you want in life, and not knowing what you actually value in life, then you are not ready to be truthful, faithful, ideal or valuable to a partner or partnership. Let's face it, if you value a monogamous relationship and you are cheating on your partner, look out for a big kick in the butt and at the very least a dreadful, abhorent existence. You will only make it your partner's problem for a short period of time before they will suspect that you are not being who you say you are. Also if you are unhappy in your career, choice of life goals and or your appearance, and
your partner has to hear you whine about your unhappy self, day in and day out, trust will break down into disgust instead. If you are not in touch, in tune with self and can't trust your thoughts, words and actions, then how is your partner
supposed to feel trusting of themselves to be with you.
I really dislike when someone says "trust me". I don't think you EVER give your trust away, but rather you either feel trusting with others or you don't. If you don't feel a trusting feeling
with your partner first find out if you even trust yourself. If you do realize you have great faith and trust in self and you still feel distrustful of your partner then get some clarity about why you are feeling that way. It is okay to poke and prod about in conversations with your partner to get CLARITY on your
thoughts and feelings. Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings of distrust with your partner, for fear of losing the relationship, since you are already in fact losing the relationship if you don't feel trust with the partner.
Finally, if you believe your relationship, is in jeopardy don't hesitate to go to a life coach, marriage coach and or for couple's counseling. Don't be the person that says "I don't need to go". Your correct, you don't "need" to go, you "want" to go, if you are interested in getting back to the path of love.
Marla Stone, MSW, Professional Organizer, Lifestyle / Dating Coach, Decor and Feng Shui
Specialist, Public Speaker
www.perfectlypaired.com and www.i-deal-lifestyle.com
call (949) 709-7000 for a free 30 minute phone consultation to finding an ideal partner.
I did couple's counseling for years as a therapist in private practice. I worked with single people desperately seeking a relationship, people getting divorced, people who had affairs, separated folks, couples who hadn't had sex in way too many years, or intimacy for that matter, pre marital couples, newlyweds and military couples. Now, as a Dating Coach I continue to help people with their relationships, in a different way.
I have come up with some easy techniques to find out if you
are perfectly paired, or how you can get perfectly paired.
TECHNIQUES FOR HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS
#1 FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT IN A PARTNER
Write 30 things you want in an ideal partner and GO BIG! The list must be in the positive. Instead of no drug addicts, write Addiction Free. Remember and think about what really matters most to you in a partner. Think down the road at least 10 years and think about things you may want even then.
Has Close and Supportive Friends
Great Family who loves me
Emotionally Intelligent (READ Golman's Emotional Intelligence book)
Attractive to me
Loves my family
High Self Esteem
Loves to exercise
Good career, job or business
Okay now DON'T use my sample list.
Think of things that are important to YOU.
#2 OWN YOUR OWN FEELINGS
Understand your feelings are your own. You have heard the saying OWN your feelings, well that is because NO ONE makes you feel ANYTHING. I often hear people say "She made me feel" or "he made me feel" or "they made me feel". NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING. Feelings are stuck inside of you, and they pop up when there is a trigger, but they are in you, and no one put them in there. Triggers can happen any time, place, and the feelings that you feel are yours. I can have 10 people in a room and I could jump up and down and flap my arms wildly and scream I'm a Turkey, and all 10 people will FEEL differently. I did not make them FEEL any of those FEELINGS. I was a trigger, but the feelings are theirs. I have not actually done the above, but I am certain some people would cry, some would laugh, someone would be shocked and someone upset....but I did not make them feel that way!!!
#3 FIGURE OUT IF YOUR FEELINGS ARE ALIGNED WITH WHAT IS HAPPENING
Figure out if your feelings match the situation at hand. If your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend is late for dinner at your favorite restaurant, on date night, and you go into a rage, does that match the situation??? NO WAY! Ask yourself what situation would match you going into a rage. Perhaps a loved one being harmed, someone chasing you down an alley at gun point, you were cheated etc... Next ask yourself what would be a natural reaction to someone being late for a date. Perhaps irritation, aggravation, disappointment, or worry. The deepest, darkest feeling you might have is rejection, and even that would be over the top for someone being late to a date. Find out if your feelings match the situation. If not think about where that deep, dark feeling comes from. Did something happen to you that would cause such rage? Ask yourself where does this kind of rage come from? When you figure out which situation(s) the rage began, work through it, and if you can't work through it on your own, call for a free 30 minute coaching session at 949-709-7000
Marla Stone, MSW (Lifestyle and Dating Coach)